Ever so slightly, this is beginning to feel like life again. The vacation is over. Employment has begun and the boxes are dwindling to a few scattered towers that may as well say ‘find home for me’. I forgot how much stuff I have. Simply that – stuff. But this is it. This was everything I had asked for.
Before I moved, I had a customer in Florida tell me that home is not going to be as good as I had remembered or even expected. Well, this man was right. I am not going to sit here and say it is better because that would be dripping in sarcasm. There have been moments marked with tears and questions. I have sat in my apartment, staring at the boxes wondering what have I gotten myself into. I have wondered if this is even right. Then today happened just to remind me why I moved back here.
I started work. Great. Splendid. I am slowly creeping into a routine and though it is not my ideal schedule (mornings…), it feels as life is beginning. It certainly relieves a great deal of stress knowing that rent will be paid, shoes can be purchased, and Skordo will have a new bag of food to eat. But with employment and a new schedule comes something I had forgotten about: the joy of not being at work. Tonight, I had that aha! moment.
As work ended tonight, I knew Skordo would be itching for a long walk. A dear friend of mine called as I was leaving said place of employment and as she and I both have dogs, we decided to take the pups for a run tonight. Well, my running is sorely out of shape as I am even more out of shape but we tried. Either way, all it took was running down Naito Parkway along the riverfront to remind me why I came home. And as we walked the dogs the last leg through the blocks of downtown, climbing our way back to my apartment, a semblance of home and accomplishment washed over me. This was right. The boxes were worth it. The tears were worth it. This damn city is perfect. And the year away from here was ever so necessary.
I moved to Florida to accomplish something, we all know that. Well, it took three days of being home to finally know without a shred of uncertainty of heart to know that this body of mine is no longer feeling the weight of Berlin wading through its bones. Even after seeing him and possibly shedding an unnecessary tear (I haven’t the slightest clue where the waterworks come from but I will embrace this change of heart and show of emotion), I know that wall is no longer a part of me. I tore my own wall down and finally forced his out.
But back to today after my excessively truncated tangent of a sorely unnecessary night in my life (though freeing, I must say). I am home. It finally feels real. And as I sit here typing these words, I can glance up, see the city lights out of the many windows of my apartment, and know this is what was supposed to happen. As alone and strange as it feels, just to sit barefoot at my table, a cup of green tea at my side, Skordo on my feet, and Olive perched in her window, reminds me to never lose sight of this again. I had my Gretel moment. I scattered the breadcrumbs of what I could have sworn to be irrevocably broken, only to gather them up one last time simply to say I am home. The next time this heart breaks, I’ll invest further in vacuums, less moving equipment.
MaryEBurger's Blog 