It took a break from words to begin to understand what happened. That knowing where things went wrong – whether at my own hands or actions – well, was a lesson I needed to learn. That every error in judgment did indeed lead up to something. I am happy to finally understand what that something is now.
The world is seemingly changing colors again. Though you and I may argue what those colors are, and yes, I still see the world as markedly black and white, those shades of gray that I had battled with are now fading or darkening into something that makes sense. I simply spent too long trying to change it. I tried to alter my world rather than let it be what it is. And I must say, it is the heaviest sigh of relief to not try so hard anymore.
My quiet little life, what I had struggled so hard for and traveled thousands of miles to discover, is no longer at my fingertips but ever present. I have exactly what I wanted and before I could even make brisk or meager attempts to harness that (again), it was here. My morning cup of coffee, alone on my front porch overlooking the business people traveling their morning commute or buying their cup of coffee from a local vendor, is what I look forward to every day. To have something to look forward to – whether it be that cup of coffee or a job that finds the slightest of fulfillment – is what I had been missing. I had overlooked the simplest of things. Go figure, I had to make a production out of life to find the pure joy of coffee. It won’t be the last time I do it, but it will be the last time I cause a scene about it.
Over the holiday last weekend, I spent my time at Mr. Asshole’s house. I was sitting outside one morning with that same cup of coffee, minus the city traffic and noise, and as I watched Skordo run a muck in the yard, I knew that with the exception of the ever-missing presence of my mother, this was what I had forgotten to prioritize in my life. Those little things go overlooked, and suddenly, the great buttresses that are the structural base of your life begin to crumble until there is nothing left to hold dear and sturdy. I wish I didn’t know why they were forgotten before but I know the answer to that. You know the answer to that. But we learn something from errors in judgment. It’s just a matter of what you do with that information.
I sit here now, finishing that morning cup of coffee knowing that the remainder of the day, my phone may very well ring from only two people, my mother and Mr. Asshole, and I am OK with that. I may have had a little pity party last night eating dinner alone at a restaurant while families enjoyed their meals and children sang along to the Christmas carols playing as background music, but I won’t let that get the best of me. That is not a shade of gray to be argued with. My solitude is as black and white as it may appear. I fought for too long to alter the shades of the world. Now it’s time to just let it be what it wants to be. This time, I will welcome the element of surprise.